This is How We Grow Up
by mediatrix689
Summary: Lelouch in a series of heartbreaks. It all feels like drowning. But he has a rebellion to plan and there was no time to drown.


**This is How We Grow Up**

At 10 years old, Lelouch carries Nunnally through abandoned and deserted towns. Airstrikes had just finished- the Holy Brittanian Empire has conquered Japan, Area 11. His arms hurt and his legs were tired and it was getting hard to breathe, but he shouldn't stop walking. He needed to endure the physical pain and fatigue just a little longer. Nunnally shouldn't be allowed to hear any distant dying people, struggling to breathe or screaming in pain. They lost their home, their mother, their family; she lost her legs and her sight. He isn't going to allow this war to take anything else from his sister.

Keep walking. Close your eyes. Keep walking.

"What's that strange smell big brother?" the boy hesitates to answer.

"We're just going through a garbage dump." His words pierced through his chest, and his heart sank. _This lie is necessary. He has to protect her._ He repeated this. Over, and Over, and Over again.

"Right Suzaku?" asking support from his friend. And he turned around only to see the auburn haired boy already in tears. 10-year-old Lelouch's knees buckled and his eyes started to water. He didn't know why the tears wanted to come out; he didn't know why his heart felt so heavy. He wanted to scream and cry and shout for help. But instead, he breathed in deep, and swallowed down his tears. _He is Nunnally's only family left- he has to protect her; he has to be strong for her._ He held his head up and continued walking.

This is when the lies start.

* * *

They intertwined their pinky fingers together. And just like that, the promise is made. That's right. He promises to make the world a gentler place. _For Nunnally_. He needs to create a gentle and peaceful future for Nunnally.

 _This was not a lie._ And Lelouch was just a boy. A 17-year-old high schooler, with an impossible dream, a big ego and a soft heart.

But soon, he'll find out that promises do not come cheap. Soon the world will engrave callouses into his then soft heart. And soon, the world will force him to spin lies after lies after lies until he doesn't know the mask from the person. And soon, there will be wrong choices and bad decisions where lives are at stake. And soon, there will be death after death after death.

Because his impossible dream, and his impossible promise, comes at a high price.

* * *

 _Today he loses._

The night was crying with her.

"Why? Why did my father have to die?" Shirley demands. He looked into her emerald eyes and he saw it. Her brokenness, her confusion, her devastation, her sadness, her anger, her pain.

And he just stands there, dumbfounded, out of words. He remembers how it felt like – like he was punched in the gut- out of breath, in disbelief, and scared to move. _I'm sorry._ He tries to say but his voice faltered. _It was an accident._ He tries to deny. _Don't cry._ He wants to fix it; he wants to hold her. _How do you take the pain away?_ He couldn't lift his arms to reach out to her; he was weak and paralyzed in shock. _I can be here for you._

"This can't be, it just can't" She cries and runs to Lelouch. _What can I do?_ She cries on his shirt and it's okay because his shirt was wet in the rain anyway. "Please, Lulu. Help me" Shirley pleads.

 _I'll do Anything. Anything. Tell me what I should do._

She kisses him. Her lips tasted like peaches and tears and rain. So he kisses her back, _I'll take it all._ He kisses her and pulls her close because he didn't know what else to do. _I'll bear it all._ He kisses her because he couldn't protect her. _Give all your pain to me_ He kisses her because that was the only thing he could do. He couldn't bring her father back. He couldn't explain anything to her. He couldn't be her hero. He couldn't be anyone's hero.

 _So this is guilt. And this is loss. And this is disappointment._  
 _It all feels like drowning  
_

* * *

Lelouch hits and hits and hits and hits the bathroom wall. He wishes the water can wash away everything.

 _Regret._ Of wrong choices and bad decisions and reckless actions. _Wash it away_

 _Guilt_. Of bloddied hands. _Wash it away._

 _Remorse._ For lives he wishes he can take back. For all the brokenness his actions caused. _Wash it away_

 _Doubt._ If he could bare the heaviness of the masked Zero. If he can indeed _walk the path of carnage._ If he could fulfill his impossible promise. _Wash it away._

 _It all feels like drowning.  
_ But he had a rebellion to plan, and there was no time to drown

* * *

 _And maybe this is what a heartbreak feels like._

When he wraps his arms around her, knowing that he's the reason she was broken, and confused and guilty. And he was the reason for all her suffering, he was the reason she was drowning in the wreckage. _Stop crying_. He hopes to comfort her with carefully crafted words but she's too far gone for that.

 _Stop crying_

He didn't like to see her cry. Maybe because, she was hope, and brightness and joy and innocence; and he took it all away so easily. _He took away her smile_. And Lelouch couldn't bare that; Lelouch wants her to smile, _Lelouch needs her to smile._

 _Anyone you really don't want to lose should be kept at a distance._ And these words echoed and rang and repeated in his head. And he knows it's for the best.

"If I could be reborn, then you and I would be…."- The two of them- would have been, could have been, should have been. His path was that of destruction and carnage; hers was filled with peace and happiness. And in a different kind of world, in a gentler world, the two of them- they would have been, could have been and should have been.

He lost her so easily; he lost her with two words. _Forget me_. The words rolled off his tongue so easily. _Forget me._ His heart sank to his stomach, his chest hurt and he couldn't breathe. _Forget me._ Then, it was all over. But when he sees her standing there- with bright green eyes and a warm smile, he knows it was worth it; that her smile, was worth his pain.

"You loved her, didn't you?" he gives her a sad smile. _Was that what it was? Love_?

He didn't know. But he said good-bye and walked away. Because there was nothing else to do. Because he needed to keep her at a distance. And because that's something he was good at. Pretending he was okay, and walking away.

* * *

 _The world was indeed cruel._

 _Suzaku_. His first friend; his ally. _Suzaku._ The only person he knew he could rely on. _Suzaku._ His only family outside Nunnally; his brother not bound by blood but by loyalty, and trust and heart. _Confusion and disbelief shivers through his body_. He couldn't be fighting his friend. They should have been fighting side-by-side. They should be protecting Nunnally, _together_ , as they did as children. He should be on his side, by Nunnally's side; and instead, he's there- behind enemy lines.

 _They were fighting all that time_. His whole body is frozen and there was a stab in his chest. Suddenly, Lelouch couldn't rely on him anymore; and suddenly he's alone in protecting Nunnally. All at once, he loses his first friend, and the only person he considered to be his brother. _The Gods must be laughing at this._

He watches them try and kill his best friend; words of protest escape his mouth but no one listens. He should let them kill Suzaku- then all his eventual plans would succeed. He should let them have their way. _He's the enemy_. He should let them kill Suzaku. _But he doesn't_. Lelouch couldn't. Lelouch couldn't let them kill his _friend._

"We've done enough fighting". He couldn't do it. He wasn't ready to fight with him, not at that time at least. A certain pain creeps through his chest- _It feels like drowning again._ And he's getting used to drowning- gasping for air, dizziness, holding back tears, falling deeper and deeper and fighting to get up.

His heart needs to get used to all the breaking, right? So, he laughed and laughed and laughed. Because it was easier than crying. Losing your mind, was less painful than losing your heart.

* * *

Here's how monsters are born.

"Find her and kill her" he says through clenched teeth as tears escape his eyes. There was no other way to stop it. _It is necessary_. He repeats this to himself. Over and over and over again. Lelouch's hands shake in weakness. _He was helpless_. At those moments, he couldn't do what he wanted to do, and instead he does what the world forces him to do. _Wear that mask, be Zero, use Euphy, "Save the Japanese"_ when all he wanted to do was to save her. But no words or wit or tactical strategy can do that. So, with a heavy heart, he complies to what's expected of him-to what everyone expects of him, to what the promise expects of him.

"Good-bye Euphy" he pulls the trigger. And it's done.

He spins lies. Because he does that well. Euphy was one of the most beautiful people he has ever met- with the kindest and the most innocent of all hearts. But he makes her look like a monster. Everyone believes she is _the_ monster. _This is good_. He repeats it in his head, desperately wanting to believe it. Lelouch hears them shout Zero as if he's a real hero. She was probably breathing her last. _He was disgusting_. Lelouch feels the urge to vomit, maybe then, all that darkness and heaviness will escape him.

And his whole body shakes. As if all his human parts wanted to crawl out of his skin. He feels his witch's arms wrap around his trembling body. And it gave him permission to cry. He cries for Euphy- for using her, for corrupting her, for not being able to save her. He cries for the Japanese- thousands upon thousands of deaths in his hands, manipulated and used to do as he says. He cries for himself- bearing the burden of creating a new world, doing things he never thought his hands could do, saying things he never thought he'd say, losing everything he held dear, and turning into something Nunnally wouldn't be proud of.

All the soft parts of his heart was broken and bruised-over and over and over again, until it had no choice but to harden. Stone can't easily be broken – so that's what his heart turned into. At least he pretended it to be so. He breathes in deep and wears that mask again- the one that pretends to be okay, and cold, and heartless and proud.

He gets up and dries his eyes. He holds his head up, and walks.  
Keep walking. Close your eyes. Keep walking.  
He has a battle to win, and a world to change.

* * *

 **A/n:** SO there! Hope you all enjoyed it. It's been so long since I've written anything at all, and it'd be great if you all tell me how you think about it! Haha! Also, I was thinking of doing kind of the same thing, but with R2. Thoughts? :D


End file.
